Pay-Per-Viewsary: Uncensored 1999

I wish the main event of this had been heavily censored. Just one big black bar over the screen.

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Uncensored was WCW’s annual offering of matches that were so insane, so brutal, so unfit for human consumption that the executive committee refused to sanction them under the WCW banner. Except for literally calling it WCW Uncensored… and paying for the event… and having WCW referees… and airing it on television.

The three-hour display of depravity emanated from Louisville, Kentucky — the most uncensored of all American cities.The show begins with what I can already assume will be the match of the night as Mikey Whipwreck makes his WCW debut against Cruiserweight Champion, Billy Kidman.

It’s plain to see that the crowd doesn’t know what to expect from the newcomer, but he quickly lets them know that he deserves to be in the ring with the champ.

Kidman, perhaps also taking this new challenger lightly, sends him to the outside to slow things down.Mikey may have left ECW, but he certainly didn’t leave the style behind.
Whipwreck had every potential to breathe new life into the cruiserweight division with his innovative offense. Famously (or infamously) things didn’t quite work out that way to everyone’s detriment.
Kidman, realizing he must take a more extreme approach, sends Mike to the floor and follows close behind.Billy looks to end the match, but instead finds his way to the outside.
Remember what I said about Whipwreck not abandoning the ECW style?A drop toe hold is only as effective as what your opponent’s face lands on.
A beautiful flying lariat gets a huge reaction (from me) but only gets a 2 count.
I’ll give Mikey a pass because he’s new, but everyone knows the #1 rule about wrestling Billy Kidman.

He can’t be powerbombed. It is impossible.

This error gives the cruiserweight champion the opening to hit the Shooting Star Press for the win.
Although the nWo has consolidated under the banner of “Elite,” for some reason the “Black and White” segment of the group still exists. Even more bewilderingly, multiple members actually want to be its leader. The two men at the forefront of the race for leadership are Vincent and Stevie Ray.

Hollywood Hogan, being the trickster that he is, has privately told each of these men that he’s in their corner and pit them against one another with the leadership position at stake.

Stevie is clearly not putting up with any fruit bootiness from Vincent, punching him over the barricade.This is not a street fight, although it would be easy to confuse it for one since Vince is dressed appropriately when he collapses in the empty seats behind the hard-camera.Vinnie is able to send Ray at least back towards the ring.Believe it or not, the ending for this match is weird and sloppy. What’s happening here? I don’t know.What about now? Still no idea.Luckily, Horace Hogan shows up to make things better. [Someone call Guinness, because I’m the first person to ever write that sentence.] Horace tosses a slapjack into the ring, with no regard for who uses it.Vincent grabs the weapon, but Stevie Ray sends it flying, and instead of the literal slapjack, Ray uses the move called The Slapjack for the win and control of the nWo Black and White. Last month, Rey Mysterio suffered the ultimate disgrace when he lost his mask to Kevin Nash. Much like toothpaste cannot be put back into the tube, Rey’s face cannot be put back into his mask; however, Mysterio can make himself feel better with a win over Big Sexy tonight.

Nash is taking the match lightly — as lightly as he exerts himself tossing Rey across the ring.As he has a knack for doing, Rey turns the tables and sends the big man to the outside. You can take Nash out of the Kliq, but you can’t take the Kliq out of Nash.They don’t explain why this is okay except that THIS IS UNCENSORED, BABY!Everyone knows the best way to wear down a giant is to kind of sit on his chest a few times.Luger has been relatively quiet at ringside, but he strikes when the time is right, giving Nash the advantage and the opportunity to give Mysterio a free sky diving session and pick up the victory. It’s a little-known fact that the favorite wrestler of Bryan Barrera (owner of WCWWorldwide) is Jerry Flynn. As per his very strict instructions, I am required to take this opportunity to show how good Mr Flynn was.

He won, naturally.

In 1999 WCW was in the hardcore business because that’s just what you did in those days. At this time, they had acquired several ECW alums, like the aforementioned Whipwreck and Mysterio, but up next next is a triangle hardcore match showcasing three of those hardcore heathens at once: Raven, Bam Bam Bigelow, and Hak because I guess they couldn’t call him Sandman.  Raven is accompanied to the ring by his sister, Chastity, also previously of ECW. She proves herself to be quite useful, fetching the ceremonial “Bin of Garbage” that makes it a proper hardcore match. Despite this being a normal trope, I will never understand why someone would throw weapons to their opponents, but I suppose I shouldn’t question the experts.

Even though he had a hard time getting them into the ring.

No one is putting their hands up here, folks.There is some traditional wrestling in this match, by which I mean a drop toehold onto a trashcan. Just like Bruno Sammartino used to do at MSG.Hak attempts to retaliate with an ironing board, but Raven doesn’t notice, so he just kind of forgets about it.While I realize it’s probably impossible to plan one of these matches in advance, this one very much feels like it was very unenthusiastically played by-ear.

Hak/Sandman has shocked me more than once in the past. On this night, it was by pulling off a Frankensteiner.Bigelow fetches a table, aiming to send Hak through it, but this particular table is obviously Japanese-made.Bam Bam, not one to leave a job half-finished, jumps from the second rope to snap the stubborn surface. Chastity enters the ring, defending her brother from a Hak attack,and passes him a roll of gaff tape to subdue the Sandman.And then, the match becomes VERY 1999.

Remember what I said about not putting your hands up.

Chastity does her best Bugs Bunny impression and blows Bigelow from his precarious perch.She then enters the ring and extinguishes Raven’s chances of winning, turning on her brother!Hak gets the win and the girl, although I’m not sure why you’d want either. Last month, in the tournament to crown new tag team champions, Barry Windham and Curt Hennig defeated the Horsemen’s Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko with the aide of a leather belt. Fitting then that this month’s rematch is of the lumberjack variety wherein all of the jacks have belts with which to strike any competitor that’s feet should touch the floor.

Before the match gets underway, our final lumberjack enters.

And he may be a little biased.

As we all know, there is a very specific number of lumberjacks that are allowed at ringside. As such, Arn negotiates with Chris Adams. Adams asks if Anderson has need of his belt, but the Enforcer has come prepared.

Adams nods in approval.

The blondes attempt to bail early and pay the price.

I’m not sure if they know how this match works.

Benoit goes to work on Windham, who once again makes the wrong choice.Barry’s size has never been a hindrance in making his maneuvers appear effortless.

Hennig sends Benoit into the waiting arms of Kendall Windham and Bobby Duncum, Jr… interesting.Malenko avoids a Perfect Plex, hitting one of his own.Hennig won’t be hoisted by his own petard, so Dean tries his luck with a cloverleaf. Windham catches wind(ham) of the submission attempt and makes it a no leaf clover. Despite a rabid resistance, Malenko takes a sky-high back drop.Once again, Barrence [I assume Barry is short for Barrence] is sent to the floor, but he’s protected by his brother and Duncum, Jr…interesting.Anderson, in his finest Canadian tuxedo, causes a distraction before pumping some iron. A coast-to-coast flying headbutt from Benoit picks up the win and ends the new tag champs’ four-week reign. The third PPV of 1999 also brings us the third match between Saturn and Chris Jericho. Their feud has culminated in a dog collar match, which I assume Perry already had in his wardrobe.Jericho attempts to have the lovable Ralphus take his place, but the head of Jericho Personal Security refuses.

Not realizing that he could just walk away as this match is not officially sactioned anyway, Chris tries to avoid wearing the collar.

Perry is known for his willingness to help.

After losing their two previous bouts, Saturn is out for blood.

Eventually, the tables turn when the inevitability of a dog collar match is realized.Jericho takes advantage of the ties that bind.After re-entering the ring, the Ayatollah turns Saturn over for the Lion Tamer, but chokes himself in the process.The foggy future Fozzy frontman is scooped by Saturn and driven as they do in Death Valley.After a lot of back-and-forth, Jericho unhooks the chain from Saturn’s collar and wraps it around himself, becoming a human cudgel.

It’s like a mace.

A missed splash once again leaves Chris in a dazed state only to be caught in a DVD by Saturn, but this time it’s for the win. Up next, Booker T meets The Genetic Freak/The Big Bad Booty Daddy/Posessor of Freaks and Peaks Scott Steiner for his World Television Title.

I will always love Best Friend Wrestlers.

As was often the case in a Steiner match, we start things off with a crowd shot of a Genuine 90s Babe.There is an inordinate amount of time spent with Scott avoiding getting in the ring, so just imagine an endless loop of them not wrestling. Once the action finally starts, Steiner hits a shoulder tackle and follows it up by shouting at Booker “Show me what you got!”

He then immediately regrets it.Steiner once again absconds to the floor, although thankfully for a much shorter amount of time than began the match, eventually getting back into the ring.He then immediately regrets it.Buff Bagwell breaks up a pin attempt before Scott very gingerly touches Book with a chair in the crowd. The cameraman. regretting his decision to not go into making horror films, makes himself feel momentarily fulfilled with this bizarre camera work.Scott Steiner is strong. I’m not sure he ever mentioned that.A side kick misses its target, and Booker gets racked, despite Luger being nowhere in sight.Another kick attempt is avoided by Steiner, but was almost the end of Mickie Jay.What some might call interference, I call concern for a friend.

Booker T is enduring some real downstairs trauma tonight.

In what may be the first time a chair has ever hit the wrong guy, Bagwell nails Steiner, enabling Booker T to become our new World Television Champion.It’s time for the main event, as WCW President Ric Flair faces off against Hollywood Hulk Hogan for the World Heavyweight Championship inside a cage in what is allegedly a first blood match… but we’ll get to that.

President Flair grabs a microphone and instructs referee Charles Robinson to not end the first blood match at the first sight of blood and to instead use his discretion…interesting.The cage lowers, complete with razor wire around the top, as escape is not an option and victory is only possible until first blood…allegedly. Hogan manhandles Flair from the onset with an enthusiasm and energy rarely seen from the Hulkster. And Flair reacts as he does.Hogan attempts to win this first blood match via submission.And for some reason the hold is broken when Flair reaches the ropes, despite this being a cage match.A lot of people don’t know this, but Uncensored 99 is where the tradition of throwing streamers into the ring began.Hogan pulls down some of the razor wire, raking Flair’s delicate forehead against it, but Flair being the first to gush blood does not end this first blood match.After hitting a legdrop, Hulk goes for a pin in this first blood match. Although to his credit, actually making Flair bleed didn’t seem to work, so he should explore every avenue.Robinson explains that there are no pins, so Hogan presents exhibit A…or B… or O…or whatever blood type Ric Flair is to make that joke work the best.The true leader of the nWo, David Flair, comes to ringside along with Torrie Wilson.Robinson apparently has no problem counting a pin when it’s done by Flair…interesting.Now I’d like you to look at these two gifs knowing that Hulk Hogan is supposed to be the bad guy. Arn Anderson makes his second appearance of the night, eliminating David and making a delivery to Ric. Hollywood, who is now also bleeding from the forehead in this first blood match, is struck with the tire iron and pinned by Flair who is now WCW President and World Heavyweight Champion.

Pinned in this FIRST BLOOD MATCH.

Recapping the main event has made me far too lethargic to write a proper conclusion to this article, so instead I implore you to come back for the Pay-Per-Viewsary of Spring Stampede 1999.

8 COMMENTS

  1. This wasn’t a bad show besides the main event. And that wasn’t the worst match, but the end was just stupid! Turning Flair heel by him bleeding to much? What? And of course it was all so Hogan look good.

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